4 | Code & Commerce

Chilbert took a short breath. Tapping his fingers against the tab, waiting for the all-clear to turn it back on. He’d tried to trick the flight attendant but this one was sharp, picking out a seat behind him leaned half an inch further back than the other uniformly obtuse rows. And while she was making its occupant straighten up she’d spotted his screen. Chilbert had set it to dark but she’d made him actually prove the tablet was off. He’d powered down while she stood over him, face hot as both he and it submitted.

There was redemption, at least. This leg of the trip had wireless. The idea of lasting without made his head hurt, remembering the asphyxiating deadzone of sky he’d survived between Boston and Dallas.

Kristina had identified 54 suspended users for him in a list which had impressed Chilbert by its detail. A separate entry for each of her husband’s erstwhile contacts, the database customized to contain the man’s rank, tours of duty, wife or girlfriend. She’d made detailed notes for each entry.

Nickname is Brit, loves Taylor Swift, daughter Brie is 2 1/2.

Finally, the ding of freedom. Buckle off. Tab on.

Going into action. Connecting to the web Chilbert ran some scripts Rohit had provided to thwart trackers from his browsing. He didn’t even dip into the flowing delta of status updates. Scrolling straight through his favorites list to the destination.

TheCrackAlpha.ca, more often called, in the parlance of its regular visitors, TheCaca.

Chilbert didn’t get the joke at first but had found a full explanation on Wikipedia. (A warning saying the entry lacked proper documentation.) The conjunction, according to one disputed source, owing to TheCrackAlpha website being hosted on a Canadian server, hence the .ca suffix. (This detail of the entry apparently acceptable in its citation. The rest, however, had been removed because of questionable content. Once Chilbert had spent a little time on the site he understood why.)

Anyway he was already in love. TheCaca’s name alone evoking an atavistic teenage delight, with its twin suggestions of subversion and the scatalogical. In fact he’d stumbled across the board in the first place while looking for porn. His Google search terms, on that particular night, resulting in lucubrations of an unexpected and now potentially profitable nature.

TheCaca’s primary content was harmless, gamers trading tips and Photoshopped images of their favorite memes back and forth. However the board that Chilbert frequented – especially once he’d conjured up the idea of IdentifID – had a different core audience. Its content consisting, essentially, of illegal Internet workarounds by a base of vigilante coders.

The community actively endorsed target practice against any entity it considered part of the online establishment. Google and, more to Chilbert’s interest, Facebook enemies number one and two respectively.

Judging from their humor most active contributors were adolescent and barely adult males, 18-34. Mainstream brands’ most-coveted demographic bracket. Ironic, since one of TheCaca’s favorite pastimes was crippling those same brands’ websites. CrackAlpha’s digital dwellers loved almost nothing more than sticking it to the man. (The thing they loved more being big talk about sticking it to their favorite actresses at the next comic con.)

Time for Chilbert to make his first post.


Dilbert
I’m looking to make a deal. Service-for-hire.

regul8tr
well well who have we here

simonsaid
bit out of our depth, aren’t we?

theestonianstoner
hire me big boy i luv u long time pussy real pretty


Dilbert
Seriously I really respect what you guys do. I come in peace, on a business transaction.

milhaus
haha dude ur cumming in pieces? i think you might need to see a doctor for that


Dilbert
Your latest attack, the one on Wal-Mart, was brilliant. Making all their prices roll back to -69? Genius. I bow down to you.

boyinterrupted
ha if your bowing i can think of something for u to do

regul8tr
he got a real pretty mouth aint he? you gonna do some prayin for me, boy and you better pray good

johnvoigtdds
+1


Dilbert
I’m hoping to find the right person here to help me with some Facebook-related business.

milhaus
i just did some bizness in my pants

nihaomao
what u want do


what u want
nihaomao

My company’s looking to make some acquisitions on Facebook. Do you have experience in that area?
Dilbert

u wanna buy fb accounts right
nihaomao

Not to put too fine a point on it, yes.
Dilbert

put point on what? oh u want guns i get u what kind ak-47s or what
nihaomao

I think we’ve had a misunderstanding. No, I’m looking for FB accounts.

Dilbert

u no are looking for fb what u want then
nihaomao

No I do want FB accounts. I’m afraid I’m being unclear.
Dilbert

if u afraid deal guns very bad for u maybe u try something better like drugs
nihaomao

No drugs!
Dilbert

TheCaca doesn’t maintain archives, right? Please, forget everything I’ve said so far.
Dilbert

no worries evrythng u say i forget guns drugs whatevr
nihaomao

Thank you very much for your help. Goodbye!
Dilbert

i get u good buy what you want
nihaomao


Dilbert
Anyone else here have extensive experience with the Facebook backend?

milhaus
look whose back! itz jizinmypants

theestonianstoner
seriously dude what’s with the scott adams handle? u do realize were living in the 21st century

kanyay
doin som’n mean to it

ricktrollroll
umm did he actually just say backend?! its like hes doing our job for us

jushitsu
i know its almost no fun

asterixobelix
rimjob


sonofabitch
guys leave him alone hes mine

regul8tr
whats the magic word

sonofabitch
Хуй тебе в роть

regul8tr
no need to be rude even at caca we show basic manners u fag



how many do u want?
sonofabitch

We are talking about FB accounts right?
Dilbert

yes. how many do u want?
sonofabitch

How many can you get?
Dilbert

depends what u can pay
sonofabitch

Depends on how many you can get.
Dilbert

memeory
haha this chat is starting to ∞ on itself



tell me what u need
sonofabitch

Ok. I’m looking for non-active FB accounts.
Dilbert

non actives? u sure u don’t want active users
sonofabitch

Yes I’m sure. I only want suspended user lists.
Dilbert

ok b/c i have lots of other accounts already. theyre brand new signups 2
sonofabitch

I don’t care about the age of the inventory.
Dilbert

The accounts just need to be profiles of people who have passed.
Dilbert

ok whatever you want. cats, dogs, midgets whatever
sonofabitch

so you want dead ppl
sonofabitch

I believe we understand each other now, yes.
Dilbert

ok 200 yuan for every account
sonofabitch

I’m afraid that’s outside of my price range. Thanks very much for your time.
Dilbert

ok 175 yuan
sonofabitch

10 yuan and that’s my final offer.
Dilbert

what are we playing who wants to be a millionare now :P
sonofabitch

youre jking right?
sonofabitch

For SULs that seems more than fair. After all these aren’t real FB users we’re talking about.
Dilbert

i run the same scripts either way so its no difference if the fb IDs are active or not
sonofabitch

10 ¥. I’m not going any higher. If you can’t help me I’m sure others here will be more than happy.
Dilbert

ok no worries man no worries
sonofabitch

i can get u tencent, cyworld, bebo, myspace accounts 2
sonofabitch

I don’t want those, just Facebook.
Dilbert

u sure man? ill get you those for 10 yuan
sonofabitch

NO JUST FB
Dilbert

ok ok
sonofabitch

Great, I believe we have a deal then. 1300 total for all the accounts.
Dilbert

no way
sonofabitch

i dont crack for charity
sonofabitch

ok 13000 yuan
sonofabitch

1300.
Dilbert


5000.
Dilbert

ok deal
sonofabitch

I’ll send you the list of the accounts I’m looking for.
Dilbert

wait u didnt say specific accounts b4. thats different. 20000 yuan, payment upfront.
sonofabitch

Absolutely not! I’m not paying upfront. i have no way of knowing you’ll follow through.
Dilbert

no way im getting dead ppl w/o getting paid 1st
sonofabitch

In that case, I’m sure I can find someone else who wants to do business. Take care.
Dilbert

ok i never do this but ill send u 10 accts for free as proof
sonofabitch

then u pay me and ill get the rest
sonofabitch

It’s all 54 SULs in my doc, for 5000 yuan, or we’re done here.
Dilbert

shit man u a hard bastard
sonofabitch


ok i want my ¥ the 2nd i get u these users
sonofabitch

and if u fuck me ill find u
sonofabitch

You’ll get it as soon as I get the Facebook profiles. Money’s ready to transfer.
Dilbert

So just to confirm: no active accounts, no Orkut, no MySpace. ONLY the suspended user lists from Facebook in the doc I’m sending you.
Dilbert

ok
sonofabitch

And these are all no-longer-active users.
Dilbert

ok
sonofabitch

Are we clear?
Dilbert

clear like cristallnaya
sonofabitch

im on it
sonofabitch

Chilbert called for the flight attendant. Ordered a vodka and tonic.

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