Take Two, Excerpt Two

After my last post you asked (okay, one of you asked – Hi Steph!) where to leave comments on the second excerpt, so I’m posting it here. Have at it…

My main questions: Is the humor working? Trying too hard? And are the voices differentiated enough, dialogue-wise? Vielen Dank.
Dead SULs | *New and improved!* | Excerpt 2 – 2/11/11

One Comment

  • Stephanie Hopkins wrote:

    Hi! I wrote this response before I read your questions, so – posting this now and will think about and get back to you about your questions…

    Here we see Chilbert interacting with people; it makes sense, the way he floats among them, juxtaposed against their rising and falling tones of voice, their laughter (coming from noone and everyone), their warmth toward each other and toward him, their ordinary human interactions – juxtaposed with his utterly private (secret) world, his disembodied presence (but there it is again, the urge to pee), the deliberate way he seems to pass among them but not as one of them. The end of this scene reveals a somewhat sinister undertone—he makes the others uncomfortable and yet they are warm toward him, seem to believe they know him. And there is mystery here; I am roped in: what will he do with them? What is he after? And also, the song in the background gives his request weight:

    All I know is you and me/Are rebels fighting to be free?

    Who are the rebels? Who is fighting to be free? What is “freedom?” (for the dead?) I can’t wait to find out.

    And one last thing: excellent choice in the dog’s name! ☺

    xo
    s

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